How To Be A Good Daughter In Law?
- Marvin Harvey
Secrets to be a good daughter-in-law
- Be optimistic.
- Be respectful towards your mother-in-law.
- Seek her advice when it is appropriate.
- Agreeing to her whims every time may not be correct or even tough for you.
- Go out for a lunch, just the two of you or invite her for a lunch and prepare what she likes.
What are the qualities of a good daughter in law?
Here are a few tips to improve your relationship with your mom-in-law One of the biggest challenges of married life is to get along well with your in laws. Though this goes for both partners in a marriage, it is the woman who is affected the most. According to research around 60 per cent of all marriages suffer from tension with mothers-in-law that is normally between the woman and her husband’s mother.
The nagging, meddling mother-in-law is often the cause of worry and the central idea that can help better the situation is to have a positive attitude and to show respect to the older woman. Positive attitude Just like being a daughter-in-law is new to you taking up the role of a mother-in-law is new to her too.
Always try and convey a positive attitude towards her. The older woman is probably just trying her best to fit into her role as a mom-in-law. Equality Try to treat your mother-in-law and your mother equally. For example if you give your mother a birthday gift, then give your mother-in-law a gift for her birthday too.
- If you have children, then visit your mother and your mother-in-law with similar frequency.
- Sensitivity The fact that the lady has spent a significant part of her life raising her son may make her a little sensitive when another person becomes the centre of attraction of her son’s life.
- Though most mothers do not consider her daughter-in-law competition, there are some mothers who do.
The ones whose life revolved around their child for a long time because they are a single parent or had only one child are the ones who are most likely to behave in this way. If, for example, your mother-in-law mentions how much her son always liked her home cooking, do not try to compete by asserting how much he likes your cooking now.
- This would invariably hurt her.
- Respect Treat your mother-in-law with respect.
- Consider her older and wiser.
- She may have been through a lot of hardships in her life.
- In fact, talk to her and ask her about her childhood, growing up, raising kids, and life experiences.
- When she shares her life with you she will develop a liking for you and that can lead to a strong bond between the two of you.
Expectations Getting to know the family you have married into may take time. Though most daughters-in-law are welcomed into the family with open arms, do not get disheartened if it does not happen. Give them time to know you better. Be attentive When your mother-in-law is at home be attentive towards her.
- Sit and chat, show her around town, and if she wants to help you prepare meals, then let her.
- You two can get to know each other better and bond.
- If she prefers to sit around being waited on hand and foot, then enlist your husband to help prepare meals and clean up.
- Information Try to keep mother-in-law informed; call and let her know about important events.
Keep her in the loop. If you have children, send pictures to your mother-in-law. Grandmothers love getting pictures of their grandchildren. Advice Your mother-in-law has years of experience. Don’t hesitate to take her advice. You may disagree with her and decide to not follow any of her suggestions, but be open to different ideas, at least listen, show respect, and do not take any advice as a personal attack.
She is only trying to be helpful. Children Allow your mother-in-law to take care of your children. For them their grandchildren are more important than their own kids sometimes. If she wants to, let her spoil them a little, i.e. she lets them stay slightly past their bedtime or gives them some more chocolate than you would want to.
Communication Try and talk out things with the family. If something that someone said hurt you, do not keep it bottled up inside you. Discuss with your husband and your mother-in-law any slights or snubs and how it makes you feel.
Should daughter in law take care of in-laws?
Should A Daughter-In-Law take care of her Parents-in-law? An Honest Answer! Geeta was angry, and so was Abhishek. They sat with their laptops in their laps, working away furiously neither concentrating, nor giving up the work. Abhishek looked at Geeta once more.
He wondered how she could be so cold, and selfish. He thought she was the warmest person he knew, but apparently he was wrong. They had a discussion that morning and her single word answer was enough to show how ruthless she was. Well, it wasn’t technically a discussion as it involved just a question from his side and a single answer from her.
He was still unable to believe that she answered him so. It had all started a few days ago. Geeta got a call from a stranger saying both her parents had met with an accident. They got away with some not-so-serious, but serious enough injuries. The doctor had told them that they would have to take rest for a month or so.
- Even after that, given their ages, the doctor said that they would have to be more cautious about their health.
- Geeta was the only daughter to her parents.
- The moment she came to know about the accident, she went on leave, indefinitely.
- She told her husband that he got to take care of their kid single-handed for a few days, for which he obliged willingly.
She went over to her parents and took care of them. Day in and day out, she kept vigilant about their health. She cooked for them, she settled the house, took care of the maids, the laundry and everything. Her husband witnessed how much stress his wife took and how beautifully she took care of her parents.
- More than anything, he liked the way she treated her parents like small kids, her own small kids.
- Slowly, Geeta convinced both her parents to move nearer to her home and though they were stubborn in the beginning, they acquiesced gradually.
- After everything got settled down, Geeta and Abhishek finally got back to their routine.
They were having breakfast one day, and Abhishek asked her, “I have a question, Geeta, if you don’t mind?” “Your adding that ‘if you don’t mind’ tag makes me feel that I will mind. Anyway, shoot!” “Will you take care of my parents, like you took care of yours? Will you stay with them, treat them like kids, cook for them and be with them? I know we have stayed separately from them, but I feel that you will take care of them if they were in distress.
You will, right, Geeta?” Geeta looked at Abhishek disbelievingly. Was he seriously asking that question? It took her nanoseconds to become furious. She simply said, “No, I will not take care of your parents like I did mine!” After that she left for office, not giving Abhishek the chance to talk anything further.And now, here she was, Abhishek thought, back from office, but not uttering a word about that selfish proclamation that she did earlier.
He decided to discuss it with her seriously. “Geeta, why did you answer that way in the morning? Did you really mean that you will not take care of my parents?” “I will not take care of your parents like I did mine.” Anger bubbled in Abhishek. Controlling himself, he said, “Would you care to elaborate? You are showing chauvinism now! You talk so much about equality, now where are you showing equality between your parents and mine?” Geeta looked at him for a few seconds without saying anything, then she said, “Chauvinism? You dare talk about chauvinism? Wasn’t your question chauvinistic at all? What do you mean by taking care of your parents, cooking for them, etc etc and all that stuff? You want equality in this? I will give you equality.
- When my parents met with an accident, I stayed in the hospital with them, what did you do? Stayed back with our kid.
- I will do the same, I will take care of our kid, and you stay in the hospital with them.
- I went and cooked for my parents, while you took care of our kid.
- I will do the same, you cook for your parents and I will take care of our kid.
I settled my parents’ house, I looked after them like they were little children, and I fulfilled my responsibility while you supported me by looking after our kid.I.will.do.the.same. You do all those chores and I will support you backend. Since my parents’ accident, everyone has an expectation that I will do the same for my in-laws.
- No, I will not! For my parents’ their kid is doing for them, for your parents, their kid- that is you must do.
- Now, that is what equality is.
- So, no, I am not going to cook, clean or mop for your parents.
- You do that.
- And just because someone has a problem with a ‘guy’ doing all that stuff, don’t expect me to take on that role and further enforce inequality.
Remember this once and for all, Abhishek. A daughter in law is not entitled to take care of her in-laws in whatever circumstances, if the husband himself doesn’t do anything for his parents. You expect women to take beautiful care of your parents but you yourself will not take care of them.
- No, no, they are your parents, so you take care of them and I will only help you like you helped me for my parents.
- I hope I elaborated it well.” Abhishek looked at her and he realized what his mistake was.
- He realized who was selfish, he wondered how he could ask her to take care of both sets of parents while he would do nothing of that sort.
Maybe it was the deeply ingrained society and a few stupid statements by judges that demonize women for the sake of lazy men and that is what put those thoughts in him. Maybe. It was time for him to apologize. Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this post are the personal views of the author.
Why are daughter in-laws so difficult?
Difficult Daughter-In-Law, Part 1 Second only to the Wicked Stepmother, the Difficult Daughter-in-Law (DDIL) looms large as a source of friction in the family. She divides mother from son, withholds grandchildren, sabotages family get-togethers, and rains misery on one and all, especially her mother-in-law (MIL).
- This is not to say that every MIL is perfect and every son’s wife is a pain in the neck, but there are so many horror stories about the latter’s shoddy behavior toward the former that I felt we needed to look into the situation.
- According to Deborah Levinson, a licensed clinical social worker who has helped many women deal with divisive family situations, “The roots of the difficult daughter-in-law’s behavior may go back to her family of birth.
She might have seen her mother be disrespectful or unloving toward her mother-in-law. She might have been in competition with her mother for her father’s attention. Now, she’s transferred the power struggle to her marriage, with the husband a stand-in for her father and the mother-in-law a competitor for his love.
Another explanation is that, never having developed a good sense of self-worth, she’s so insecure that she feels anyone in her husband’s orbit is a threat. If he has a close relationship with his mother, that could definitely play into her fears.” There may be other factors at play, too, says Levinson.
“The difficult daughter-in-law may come from a family that was not affectionate, and, if her husband’s family is more demonstrative, she may feel uncomfortable with their intimacy. Then, too, as she is expected to work, run a household, and be a perfect mother to her children, she may just be plain overwhelmed.
- Finally, we shouldn’t rule out the possibility that she has a personality disorder or other psychopathology.” Levinson and other experts contend that people have distinct ideas about boundaries and how far they should be expected to stretch theirs in order to fit in.
- If you’ve read about the Kennedy family’s touch football games, you know they were exuberant.
When Jackie literally wouldn’t play ball, the rest of the family thought she was stuck up. Was she being a DDIL or was there just not a good fit between her literary/artistic bent and the Kennedy’s rough-tumble idea of a good time? Our society’s general disrespect for older people doesn’t help, either.
Far from being honored for their wisdom and experience as they are in other cultures, America’s “senior citizens” can be objects of ridicule. Moreover, there’s the well-documented narcissism of the younger generation, who are often clueless about or unwilling to fulfill the expectations of the older generation.
This is at best frustrating and at worst hurtful to parents of adult children who remember a time when all members of the extended family sat down to Sunday dinner together, phoned each other regularly, and exchanged cards and gifts on one another’s special occasions—even when they weren’t overly fond of one another.
That’s gone. Excluding ethnic groups who have a strong sense of familial inclusion, parents are now expected to go out of their way for “the kids” rather than the other way around. Moreover, younger husbands and wives feel their only allegiance should be to their own parents rather than forming “one big happy family.” In an extreme case (or maybe not), one woman I know lay gravely ill in a hospital bed for four weeks.
During that whole time her daughter-in-law, who lived locally, never visited and didn’t even pick up a phone—and this was not a case of hard feelings or estrangement. In subsequent posts we’ll continue our exploration of the DDIL: how her power struggle plays out in real life; where her husband comes in; how a toxic situation hampers the grandchild/grandparent relationship; and what you can do to make things better.
What makes a great mother-in-law?
Be a Respectful Mother-in-Law – Perhaps, one of the most important traits a mother-in-law needs to display is respectfulness. Being respectful of the couple’s time and relationship builds a sense of trust. It also communicates that you value and prioritize their needs as a family unit and are willing to respect their boundaries,
Allow the couple to host a holiday celebration if they want, rather then expecting them to always come to your home. Be aware that you may not be welcome in the delivery room or birthing room when your grandchild is being born. Sometimes grandparents aren’t even invited to the hospital, as the young parents want that time for bonding. As hard as that decision may be for grandmothers to accept, it is the young parents’ call and you need to respect their decision. Invite the couple to your home, too, rather than just expecting them to host you all the time. Recognize that you may not be invited along on trips and vacations nor will you be included in every party and social occasion the young couple hosts in their home. Refrain from dropping by without calling or giving them adequate notice. Of course, if you’re in the neighborhood, you can call and ask to stop by, but don’t be offended if they say no or are not available. Use restraint if you’re given a key to the home of an adult child and use it only when asked to do so or in case of a real emergency.