Why Does My Mother In Law Hate Me?

Why Does My Mother In Law Hate Me
Why are mother in laws jealous? – Aggressive mother in laws is often jealous of their daughter in laws. Hence, if your mother in law gets aggressive quickly and that too without a reason, she is trying to silence you. In this way she tries to demean you. Therefore, she is jealous of you.

How do you know if your mother in law is jealous of you?

You have a jealous mother-in-law if she does any of the following: doesn’t respect your boundaries in spite of numerous requests. She never cares to respect your boundaries or your private life. is overly attached and emotionally dependent on her son.

How do you know if your mother in law doesn’t like you?

17 subtle (and not so subtle) signs your mother-in-law hates you, Lifestyle News It might have been a niggling feeling you couldn’t shake. Or maybe she let you know as clear as day. A strained relationship with your mother-in-law can be the most stressful thing on your marriage.

  • No matter what you do, you can’t catch a break without her breathing down your neck telling you how terrible you are and how great her child is.
  • If you aren’t sure whether your mother-in-law has a disagreement with you over small matters or just flat-out doesn’t like you at all, check out this list to see if your mother-in-law hates you.
  • 17 SIGNS YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW HATES YOU
  • 1. TAKES EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PUBLICLY HUMILIATE YOU
  • ]

Your spouse might pass off your mother-in-law’s attitude as very direct and say “she’s like that with everyone”. But when you notice she takes time out of her day to scold you or put you down in front of other people, this is a big red flag.

  1. Publicly chastising you is only intended to make you humiliated.
  2. If it keeps happening, bring up specific instances to your partner and ask them to back you up.
  3. 2. SHE SNUBS YOUR INVITES
  4. If your mother-in-law finds a way to weasel out of all your invites, chances are that she really doesn’t like you.
  5. Especially if she ends up accepting the same invite when it comes from your spouse!
  6. 3. DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR CAREER OR PERSONAL LIFE
  7. You know your mother-in-law doesn’t like you if her eyes glaze over when (or if) she asks you what your job is.
  8. Or she doesn’t even ask you how you are.

Having an interest in your career is a simple way of showing care for you. If your mother-in-law care for you, she’d take the initiative to see how your day was.

  • 4. TEARS YOU DOWN TO HER CHILD
  • ]
  • Not only does she make it a point to find something to complain about you, but she does it in front of your partner.
  • Your mother-in-law has nothing good to say about you and criticises your career, how you look, or even the fact that you’re married to her child!

If your mother keeps doing this in front of your partner, then take time to talk with your spouse to get behind you. As a married couple, you’re a team. That’s basically what you vowed at your wedding! If this happens in public frequently, ask your partner to be united with you.

  1. It can look like “I’m sorry you thought I was talking badly about your hobby.”
  2. She’s not actually apologising, she’s putting the blame on you for misunderstanding.
  3. Sincere apologies are when your mother-in-law identifies the issue and wants to make amends.
  4. 6. ‘THOUGHTFUL’ GIFTS ARE UNDERHANDED DIGS
  5. ]
  6. For your birthday or to commemorate a special occasion, your mother-in-law might buy you something that seems very specific.

At first glance, it seems thoughtful. But when you speak with her further on why she bought it (or she might just offer her explanation regardless), you’ll find out it’s to fix problems she has issue with. Skincare products or sets? She means you have horribly oily skin. A voucher for books? Maybe she thinks you’re uneducated.

  • 7. YOU’RE ALWAYS LEFT OUT OF FAMILY ACTIVITIES
  • Whether it’s a family meal or someone’s birthday, you always seem to have been left out of the memo.
  • If you feel your mother-in-law conveniently “forgets” to mention these events, chances are she really doesn’t like you.

People show their true colours by how they act. It can be upsetting when you realise it. Mention it to your partner and see if they can mention it to your mother-in-law discreetly.8. NO PHOTOS OF YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE IN HER HOME It might seem old fashioned, but having photos around the house is a timeless feature.

It’s normal to see countless pictures of your partner and their family, celebrating younger birthdays or graduations. If you notice there isn’t a single photo of you and your spouse to be found anywhere, it’s a likely sign your mother-in-law really doesn’t like you! Getting married is a huge milestone for anyone to meet.

So it’s bizarre to not find any pics of you and your partner hanging up on the wall or on the shelves.9. SHE IGNORES YOU ] You thought ignoring people you don’t like was behaviour from secondary school. But if your mother-in-law gives you the cold shoulder every time she sees you, she probably hates you.

  1. It can be a bit tough to know if someone is outright ignoring you or didn’t hear the first time.
  2. If she’s too busy playing on her phone or just doesn’t respond to you while you’re talking to her, then you’ve got your answer!
  3. 10. UNDERMINES YOUR PARENTING DECISIONS

Your mother-in-law might think she’s the expert. However, she can also be very controlling and constantly tell you how to be a parent to your kids.

  • Anything you do isn’t good enough and she will insist her way is the only way to raise children.
  • Speak with your partner to set clear boundaries if this keeps happening.
  • Your mother-in-law’s experience is definitely valuable, but not at the risk of overruling your role as the primary caregiver.
  • 11. KEEPS YOU CLOSE ENOUGH TO PICK AT YOU
  • A subtle sign your mother-in-law hates you is when she doesn’t openly criticise you.
  • Instead, she might drop a passive-aggressive comment in the middle of talking, and quickly move on.
  • It’ll be so underhanded that you won’t notice it if you weren’t paying attention.
  • 12. BACKHANDED COMPLIMENTS
  • Just like a fake apology, backhanded compliments are another tool your mother-in-law might use if she truly hates you.

“I didn’t expect you to get the job! Congratulations!” 13. INSULTS YOU WHEN YOU’RE ALONE On the other hand, if your mother-in-law doesn’t like you then she will take the opportunity to tell you exactly what she thinks of you when you’re left alone. She may not do this in front of everyone else to save face for her child.

But it’s when you’re talking to her one-to-one when it’s least expected.14. ALWAYS BRINGS UP YOUR SPOUSE’S EXES ] How do you know your mother-in-law doesn’t think much of you? When she takes the opportunity to talk about your spouse’s exes. Over and over again. If your mother-in-law doesn’t like you, she’ll constantly draw comparisons to her child’s previous partners and boast about how great they were.

Whether she’s doing this intentionally or not is a different matter. However, if it makes you uncomfortable, speak with your spouse to see how you can tackle the issue together.

  1. 15. DISMISSES YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
  2. No matter what you do, it’s still not enough in the eyes of someone who doesn’t like you.
  3. Whether you won an award at work, achieved the best employee performance, or noted a milestone breakthrough in your business’s finances, your mother-in-law just refuses to be impressed.
  4. In fact, she’ll go one step further and do everything within her power to dismiss your feats and hard work.
  5. 16. MAKES NO ATTEMPT TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR SIDE OF THE FAMILY
  6. When you marry into the family, your spouse’s family became your own, and vice versa.
  7. If your mother-in-law spurs any chance to meet your parents or nurture a friendly relationship with your family, it’s a big sign that she isn’t so keen on you.
  8. 17. REVEALS THE BAD THINGS YOUR SPOUSE HAS SAID ABOUT YOU
  9. Children often confide in their parents no matter how old kids are.
  10. However, if your mother-in-law shares your spouse’s worries, concerns, or disappointments about you to your face, you can be sure she hates you.

This is a huge breach of confidentiality. But more so, she intentionally chose to relay information to sow seeds of doubt in your mind. Speak with your spouse if this happens to you, as it’s there’s a breach of trust, as well as some seriously dodgy business going on to damage your marriage.

While you might hope you have a pleasant relationship with your in-laws, not everyone is able to maintain the peace (as much as they hope to). We hope that these pointers can help you better navigate the waters and hopefully, work out a plan on how to get along (or keep away) from your MIL to avoid further disagreements.

This article was first published in : 17 subtle (and not so subtle) signs your mother-in-law hates you, Lifestyle News

Who comes first wife or mother?

Memo to mama’s boys: Why your wife should come before your mom Why Does My Mother In Law Hate Me Your wife should always come first It goes without saying that men should show affection and care for their mothers But men’s relationship with their wives should supersedes that of their mothers Your wife should always come first Quite a few mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships are sticky.

The sad part – for most Kenyan households – is that when a man’s wife and mother squabble, the man takes his mother’s side. I see it happening all the time. It is wrong to side with your mother over your wife. The secret to a happy marriage is to put your spouse first. It is not just in arguments. Sometimes men have difficult decisions to make and seek opinions of the women in their lives.

More often than not, he will take his mother’s advice over his wife’s. When will men learn that their wives should come before their mothers? Your wife is numero uno. Number one. Your wife should always come first. Before you get married, it is okay to take your mother’s side and follow her advice and opinions.

  • However, once you get hitched, your wife automatically becomes your first priority.
  • Your wife’s opinions and input should take precedence.
  • It is unbecoming of a man to seek his mother’s opinion over issues of his life or his household when he has a wife.
  • I don’t care how tight you are with your mom, but once you become someone’s husband, that behaviour needs to stop.

I am not saying that you should disregard your mother altogether. I am saying that you should never allow your mother to come before your wife. Unfortunately, a lot of African mothers are very possessive of their sons. They know no boundaries. They have it in their heads that they should come first in their son’s lives even after they get married.

  • Consequently they cause a lot of friction between them and the wives and may lead to them locking horns.
  • When this happens most men, against their better judgement, choose to side with their mothers.
  • Lucky you if you have an understanding mother who recognises the role of our wife in your life and you never have to take sides.

But if it ever comes down to that, pick your wife’s side. Stand up for her. Support her even if it means openly opposing the woman who gave birth to you.

  1. Mothers-in-law will sometimes subconsciously or consciously be competitive with their daughters-in-law and it is up to you as a man to show them who comes first, and that is your wife.
  2. Your relationship with your wife should compare with the relationship with your mother.
  3. If you are ever caught in the middle of a disagreement between your mother and your wife, do the right thing and support your wife.

She is your soul mate; the one you are sharing your life with. When you married her, you took a vow to put her above all others and that includes your mother. She deserves your unconditional support. Your wife should never have to compete for your time and attention with your mother.

Is it OK to stay away from in-laws?

Third, tell your spouse about your uneasy feelings, but remember you’re talking about their parents. – Be vulnerable and open with your spouse every chance you get. But, when it comes to talking about their parents, keep in mind that there’s a fine line between stating your feelings and being critical of their family.

  • It’s okay to say, “I felt sad when I heard your dad talk to your mom in that tone of voice.” It’s not okay to say, “Your dad is a total jerkface.
  • I can’t believe your mom has stayed with him this long.” Be sensitive.
  • The truth is, your spouse more than likely already knows there are some odd bits about their parents.

They did live with them during their most formative years.

How do you ignore a negative mother-in-law?

Download Article Download Article Having an overbearing or annoying mother-in-law can be damaging to your own peace of mind and may potentially cause a rift in your relationship. If you find talking to your mother-in-law or even just being around her difficult, ignoring her might seem like the only option to staying sane and happy.

  1. 1 Limit your interactions. While ignoring your mother-in-law completely should be a last resort, you can reduce the amount of time you spend with her. It’s absolutely acceptable for your spouse to attend some family events without you, and this may even make your mother-in-law happier. Don’t feel the need to attend every event that your mother-in-law will be at.
    • Don’t feel the need to lie or ask your spouse to lie on your behalf about why you can’t go to an event that your mother-in-law is at. Keep the explanation simple by saying something like “I wasn’t in the mood to go out.” Lying will only make the relationship between yourself and your mother-in-law more difficult.
    • Talk to your spouse about which events you are able to miss, as it might be important to them that you go to some. However, you can also explain that you don’t want to go to an event. A successful relationship is based on communication and compromise.
  2. 2 Disengage with your mother-in-law if you start getting annoyed. If spending time with your mother-in-law is making you angry or annoyed, try removing or distancing yourself from the conversation. Calmly excuse yourself, or ask someone nearby if they have any thoughts on the topic. This will allow you to remove yourself from the situation.
    • If you’re at a social event such as a large family gathering or wedding, this should be easy to do. If you’re in a smaller social situation, it may help to talk to your spouse beforehand — they might be able to give you some space to disengage if you need it.
    • You could excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, to go and refresh your drink, or simply to go talk to someone else.

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  3. 3 Detach yourself emotionally from her. If you can’t disengage from a conversation with your mother-in-law, try removing or limiting the emotional connection you have to her. Remind yourself that you don’t need to consider her as a part of your family if you don’t want her to be. Her thoughts and opinions don’t need to shape what you do if you disagree with her.
    • Think of your mother-in-law as an acquaintance, rather than as another mother, if your relationship isn’t warm and familial.
    • Don’t feel pressured into calling your mother-in-law “mom” or “mother” unless you’re comfortable with it. If she or your spouse complains, calmly explain that you don’t feel comfortable calling her “mom.” You don’t need to make up a reason or explain further.
  4. 4 Distance yourself physically from your mother-in-law. If you live nearby your mother-in-law, it may be easier for her to come by unannounced. While you don’t need to move cross country, moving slightly further away from your mother-in-law may help establish some boundaries that are easier to maintain.
    • Moving house is a big endeavor and not a decision that should be taken lightly. Talk to your spouse about some of the benefits and costs of moving house, rather than just moving to help you ignore your mother-in-law. It could be a point on the list, rather than the entire reason for moving.
  5. 5 Talk to your spouse about cutting your mother-in-law off completely. If you want to ignore your mother-in-law because she is emotionally manipulative or abusive, cutting her off temporarily or permanently might be the only option. Talk to your spouse about why you think she is a negative presence in your life, and discuss what the best option for your family will be.
    • This is a difficult conversation to have and one that should be handled very carefully. Approach the subject gently with your spouse — remember, your mother-in-law is their mother, meaning they will have a different relationship. Stay calm, discuss the situation, and explain why you think cutting your mother-in-law off is the right move.
    • You could say something like “I don’t feel like the relationship we have with your mother is healthy, and it’s causing me a lot of stress. Could we talk about reducing the time we spend with her or the access she has to us?”
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  1. 1 Express your feelings to your spouse. Talking to your spouse about your issues with your mother-in-law may make it easier for you to handle them. Mention specific things that you find difficult to deal with and ask for their help if they notice it happening in the future.
    • Try using statements about how you feel, rather than statements about things that your mother-in-law does. You don’t need to villainize your spouse’s mother, you only need to explain that you sometimes find her difficult.
    • For example, you could say “When your mother visits unannounced, I feel like my personal space is being invaded and it makes me anxious.”
    • Your spouse may get defensive or uncomfortable as you discuss issues you have with their mother. Avoid raising the tension if you notice this happening. Stay calm and explain your perspective kindly and with compassion. Give your partner space to process and remind them that you care about them.
  2. 2 Define boundaries between yourself and your mother-in-law. Rather than suddenly ignoring or avoiding your mother-in-law, setting some boundaries might allow you to build a healthier and safer relationship. Work out what it is about your mother-in-law that annoys you, and work out some reasonable boundaries for your relationship. Here are some examples:
    • If your mother-in-law gives her opinion on everything you do, you might want to set a boundary on the advice you want from her. You could ask that she doesn’t tell you how to discipline your kids or cook a certain meal unless you ask for her help.
    • If you ignore your mother-in-law because she comes over a lot unannounced, you could tell her that she needs to call before visiting your home so that you have time to prepare for her. You could also ask that she only visits a certain number of times each week or month.
    • If your mother-in-law is overly comfortable or open with you, such as by telling you about family drama or asking you to call her “mom.” you could tell her that you’d prefer to use her name, or avoid getting too engaged in gossip. Suggest some other conversation topics that would interest both of you and set the boundaries on your relationship.
  3. 3 Explain and establish your boundaries. Sit down with your mother-in-law somewhere she feels comfortable, and verbalize your boundaries. Outline what boundaries you want to set, how you plan to enforce them, and why you think this will improve your relationship or solve a problem. Speak with kindness and compassion.
    • If you don’t feel comfortable explaining the boundaries to your mother-in-law, talk about them with your spouse first. They may be more comfortable talking to their mother and setting up the boundaries. However, if your spouse is unsuccessful, you may need to talk to your mother-in-law yourself.
    • Instead of talking through the boundaries with your mother-in-law, you could write a letter or an e-mail outlining them instead. Remember to write kindly — you should be trying to repair and strengthen a relationship, rather than kick her out of your life.
    • Start with something like “I appreciate having you in my life and I want to make sure that our relationship is as healthy as possible.” Try to phrase the discussion as you and your mother-in-law solving a problem, rather than you fighting with her.
  4. 4 Enforce your boundaries consistently and compassionately. The boundaries you’ve established will only help if you make sure that they are enforced properly. Know the boundaries yourself and know when they are being crossed. Gently remind your mother-in-law that she is stepping over the boundaries you established any time they are broken.
    • If your mother-in-law doesn’t respond to gentle reminders, you may need to address her crossing your boundaries more directly. Tell your mother-in-law that she has broken the boundaries you set up, and remind her what she can do to resolve it.
    • For example, if your mother-in-law visits unannounced, you could say “It’s great to see you, but we agreed that you’d let us know before you came over. Now isn’t really a good time, but we could have you over for dinner on Sunday?”
    • Make sure that your spouse understands how to enforce the boundaries, and that they are committed to doing so with you. Express that these boundaries are important to make you feel comfortable and happy, as well as strengthening the relationship between you and your mother-in-law.
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  1. 1 Think about your mother-in-law compassionately and as a complex person. Almost nobody in the world is inherently evil, including your mother-in-law. Try to understand her experiences and why she might act in the way that she does. Remember that she is a complex person, and most likely wants you and your spouse to be happy — even if she goes about that in a difficult way.
    • Consider what your mother-in-law is used to or expecting as a parent to your spouse, as a grandmother to your children, or even as a mother-in-law to you. Working out what she wants and why she wants it can help navigate a difficult relationship and avoid needing to ignore her completely.
  2. 2 Center yourself and understand why you’re upset. If you find yourself getting annoyed with your mother-in-law and considering ignoring her, try to take a step back and ask what it is that irritates you. Understanding why you’re annoyed might help you process your emotions better and find an easier way to resolve them.
    • If you want to ignore your mother-in-law because she is too comfortable with you, it might help to consider how you connect with other people. While you don’t have to change who you are, you may be able to find a way to meet your mother-in-law in the middle by changing your relationship.
  3. 3 Limit your expectations of the relationship. Your mother-in-law doesn’t need to be someone you are incredibly close and familiar with, especially if you are very different people. Rather than trying to change your mother-in-law to create the relationship you want, try to change the expectations of your relationship to something that will accommodate both you and her.
    • Try establishing different types of relationships with your mother-in-law instead. Think of her as a friend, an acquaintance, or a coworker, rather than as a mother-in-law or second mother. This might help you limit your expectations and handle her better.
    • If your mother-in-law is harmful, emotionally manipulative, or abusive to you or your family, you should be very cautious in your expectations of the relationship. It might be unsafe for you to have a relationship with your mother-in-law at all. Remember that the safety of yourself and your family should always come first.
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Add New Question

  • Question We are financially-stable professionals, yet my mother-in-law weighs in on our finances and puts down our lifestyle decisions, like a recent cottage purchase. She does not do so with her other child. Advice? First talk to your spouse, who may be telling your mother-in-law financial information that should only be shared between the two of you. Tell your spouse you don’t want this happening, if it is. As for your M-I-L, when she tries to advise you, inform her that you appreciate her willingness to provide advice, but that you have both spoken with financial advisers who have confirmed you’ve made the right choices. You’re happy with your decision, and as such, it requires no more input, as the decision has been made. Then try to change the subject or leave the room to break the train of discussion for a time.
  • Question My mother-in-law keeps nagging me and creates unnecessary drama frequently. She can get upset about anything. So I don’t understand how to speak with her. I have lost my mental stability because of her. It is very hard to speak to someone who gets upset easily. This kind of person may have a personality disorder, high needs for attention and a love of drama, which can make communicating with them difficult. The answer for you lies in not taking their drama personally and in making non-emotional responses to their outrage and nagging, like “Oh really, that must be hard for you” or “That’s a hardship for you for sure!” or “Sure, that’s a good suggestion, I am already comfortable with how I do it but thanks for the idea.” Refuse to engage deeply with anything she screams about, let the nagging slide and have pity for her instead of feeling it’s personal. She is likely insecure, needy and lonely and uses the negative communication techniques of nagging and outrage to get attention because she’s never learned how to communicate assertively. Most of all, remember to never stoop to her level: keep your comments calm, neutral and objective, no matter how emotional she gets.

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  • Always speak with compassion when talking to your mother-in-law. It’s likely you both want the same things, even if you have different ways of achieving them.
  • Talk to your spouse about your issues and ask for their support.

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  • If your mother-in-law is abusive to you, your spouse, or your children, you should cut them off immediately and consider contacting the authorities.
  • Ignoring or cutting someone off completely without discussion can be very hurtful — especially if you’re ignoring a family member. It’s always better to work through your issues compassionately and slowly to avoid feelings getting hurt.

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Can in-laws destroy a marriage?

Monster-In-Laws In many families, the mother-in-law is jokingly referred to as the “monster-in-law.” Yet, the strain that parents-in-law can place on a couple is no laughing matter. It can, in fact, ultimately destroy a relationship. If your own situation is causing you anguish, learning how to manage your feelings and the situation is critical in taking care of your well-being and ultimately, your family’s.

  1. I hate my mother in law” is a common topic of discussion amongst many generations and the same goes for “I hate my father in law” as well.
  2. And although a toxic mother in law may not be the number one cause of divorce, on its own, hating your in laws is very much so a leading cause of divorce.
  3. Whether it be a husband’s mother and father or a wife’s mother and father, here are some steps and key points to address.

These are to help navigate you towards a resolution or final decision without having to ignore the issues or be passive aggressive and to ultimately learn how to be able to set boundaries.1. First, sit with the self. Before you can take on your Monster In Law, you need to give yourself a time-out (probably more than one) to evaluate the situation and develop a game plan that’s right for you.

Find a quiet space free of distractions where you can note everything that has taken place to date. It’s okay to ask yourself the harder questions. Example: Should i divorce my wife? Should I divorce my husband? Do I have a narcissistic mother in law? Does my husband chooses his family over me? Readdress whatever has crossed your mind up until this point.

Allow yourself to process the list, mulling and fuming over it — getting all your feelings out — until you can revisit it with a calmer frame of mind. This will enable you to constructively take on the situation, coming from a more rational space when moving forward.2.

Consider where your MIL is coming from. With or without empathy or sympathy, try to see your MIL’s side, and how her behavior may be a symptom of larger issues she has with herself and her relationship with your spouse — and not you. Even though you may feel that she has multiple personality disorders.

In some cases, a mother-in-law’s hostility may be an act of frustration over being disconnected from him. If this is the case, this is something that your husband needs to work on with his mother. While it’s challenging, try to be objective as you evaluate the situation.

  1. Honestly ask yourself if she has a valid opinion.
  2. Consider if her actions and words are coming from a place of love, and if this needs to be acknowledged.
  3. Consider, too, if she’s struggling with feelings of having been dethroned in her family, and if there are ways you can make her feel important and needed in her own way.3.

Ask yourself what role you’re playing in the situation. There are situations in which a person has done nothing to cause the relationship with in-laws to become strained. Yet there are also situations in which the DIL is doing, or not doing, something that is causing the in-laws to treat her the way they are, warranted or not.

  1. Think back to how you’ve engaged your in-laws, and ask yourself honestly if a third party could find fault with that.
  2. Are you a total victim in this scenario, or do you do or say things to instigate a negative response? If so, consider how you can change the way you’re handling the situation or reacting to it, so as not to invite any antagonism.4.

Don’t have any expectations. We can all learn from the Buddhist belief that expectations lead to suffering. Don’t allow yourself to suffer any more: Let go of expectations around how things “should” be when it comes to family relationships. Don’t want what you can’t have.

Instead, be realistic about the situation, including any non negotiable circumstances. If you’re not going to be close, given what has transpired, maybe that’s for the better. Instead of trying to live out some Hallmark illusion, contemplate how you can work with the way things are. For example, is a coolish relationship possible? 5.

Be okay with not having their approval. You don’t need anyone’s approval to live your life the way you want. Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to get your in-laws’ thumbs-up. Not caring what they think about you could be freeing and empowering.6. Trust your instincts.

If your intuition sounds the alarm, listen to it. It’s there to take care of you, as Camilla, a 35-year-old consultant, learned: “The first time I met my mother-in-law, I found her warm and beautiful. But when she hugged me good-bye at the end of that evening, something went off in me indicating that this wasn’t a good person.

Sadly, my instincts weren’t wrong.” How to Engage Unless your spouse wants nothing to do with his parents, you can’t ignore your in-laws. So when you find yourself in their company, do the following: 7. Don’t try to fake a relationship that isn’t there.

  1. Yes, they’re legally your parents-in-law, but are they really treating you like family? You don’t need to refer to your in-laws as “Dad” or “Mother,” if there is no intimacy or warmth that warrants the use of the terms.
  2. Using these words also adds to a power dynamic with them that may not work for you.

In calling your parents-in-law by their first names, you create a more level playing field.8. Be assertive. This needs to remain central, no matter what you’re communicating. While initial attempts to engage your in-laws should be courteous, the problem with being too polite for fear of coming across as rude or pushy is that you don’t establish necessary boundaries.

  1. Thus, you aren’t able to communicate how deep the problems are, and how troubled you are.
  2. Remember, you’re not necessarily dealing with a person or people who are nice.
  3. You don’t need to always play nice in getting your points across.9.
  4. Avoid stooping to her level.
  5. It is tempting to fight fire with fire, taking digs at your MIL, calling her names, or being equally rude.

Don’t go there. In your discussions, no matter how heated, stick with the facts. Interact using mindfulness, and take the higher road without compromising how you will allow yourself to be treated. Central to managing your in-laws is managing your emotions: 10.

Don’t take criticisms personally. As Hilary Rodham Clinton put it: “Take criticism seriously, but not personally. If there is truth or merit in the criticism, try to learn from it. Otherwise, let it roll right off you.” In many cases, you’ll realize that your MIL is just being her usual self, and that she, at the end of the day, has to deal with herself and the consequences of her actions.

When she throws dirt your way, have a visualization exercise that allows the statement to literally roll off your back. Envision what she just said captured in a water balloon, which then rolls off your shoulders and down your back before smashing on the ground below your feet.11.

Have a way to deal with your anger. This might be going for a walk following a difficult interaction, or hitting the pool to blow off some steam, or taking to the golf course for some relaxation. You cannot allow the anger to consume you, or else it will destroy you and your marriage. Find your outlets for working through the negative energy on a regular basis.12.

Find trusted persons to vent to. Your spouse may not always be in the mood to hear about how awful his mother and parents are. It’s important to turn to good friends and/or support groups in getting some things off of your chest. Your marriage will become even more strained otherwise.

When All Else Fails 13. Practice a “healthy selfishness.” You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of a situation. This involves excusing yourself from family gatherings for some quality “me time,” not answering the phone when you know it’s your MIL, and keeping your distance as a couple around times like the holiday to take care of yourselves and your family, in spite of expectations.

It is only when people practice this kind of “me” and “us” prioritizing that they reach their full potential.14. Opt out. Some in-law situations never get to a better place. As Christina Steinorth stated on yourtango.com: “Just because you’re married, you’re under no obligation to be emotionally abused by toxic people.” If your MIL was a boyfriend, your friends would tell you to dump him.

If your MIL bullied someone, people would advise that person to keep his distance and set limits. Just because she’s your MIL doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate abuse.15. Limit your in-laws’ involvement. Whenever anyone becomes toxic to your marriage or family, you have the right to roll up the “Welcome” mat and say, “Game over.” You, your spouse, and your primary family have the right to a peaceful existence, with the people in your circle being those who are a positive and supportive presence.

If you are being disrespected and mistreated by your in-laws, then they aren’t entitled to the privileges that come with being in that circle. You have every right to draw and maintain strong boundaries in protecting yourself and your marriage. Nobody has the right to make your life miserable, and only you can make sure of that.

Why do mother in laws and daughter in laws not get along?

Why Getting Along with a Mother-in-Law Is So Difficult Why Does My Mother In Law Hate Me Source: Gladskikh Tatiana/Shutterstock My friend Renee* recently married the love of her life, Byron. All of Renee’s friends and family members love Byron, but, unfortunately, the same cannot be said of Byron’s friends and family. Specifically, Renee’s mother-in-law doesn’t like her and it’s straining the,

Many women report tension in their relationship with their mother-in-law, a conflict that is associated with increased marital dissatisfaction (Rittenour and Koenig Kellas, 2015). This sad situation got me thinking about the stereotypical mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. Do our mothers-in-law really not like us? And if not, why not? The actual reasons for this common conflict are somewhat surprising and likely stem from our evolutionary history.

You Are Probably Not the Partner Your In-Laws Would Have Chosen for Their Child Why did you choose your romantic partner? Physical ? ? ? A good ? The traits that we value in our mates are not the same as those our parents value in mates for us, While we value traits such as physical, an exciting, or a good sense of humor, our parents are more likely to value characteristics such as a good family background, sound financial prospects, or a similar religious or ethnic background (Apostolou, 2015a, Perriloux et al., 2011).

Because of these different preferences, we may choose mates for ourselves whom our parents would not have chosen for us. This may lead to an initial dislike on the part of our in-laws, which can be difficult to overcome. You Are Too Attractive Some of the largest conflicts in mate preferences between adult children and their parents occur on traits associated with physical attractiveness (e.g.

good looks, height, physical fitness; see Apostolou, 2015a, Perriloux et al., 2011). According to evolutionary theory, we value those traits in a mate because we want to secure good for our future offspring. Our parents, however, may have good reasons to object to physically attractive partners.

Based on evolutionary theory, women who are more attractive than their male partners think more about leaving their relationship and show more interest in alternative partners (click to read more; Fugère et al., 2015) and men who are more attractive may be less inclined to invest in or care for future offspring (Gangestad and Simpson, 2000).

Mothers of Men May Unconsciously Discourage Long-Term Relationships I’m sure that if you asked Byron’s mother whether she wants a stable, secure, long-term relationship for her son, she would say yes. But for men, monogamous, long-term relationships may not have been desirable during most of their evolutionary history.

According to evolutionary theory, men and women have differing optimal mating strategies to ensure that their genes are perpetuated through future generations. Strictly evolutionarily speaking, a man’s best mating strategy may be a series of short-term relationships with different women in order to ensure that his genes will be passed on (see Buss and Schmitt, 1993).

However, women would not necessarily benefit from the same strategy; a woman’s best strategy may be to find a mate who will provide for her over the long term and help to raise and care for future offspring (Buss and Schmitt, 1993). The interference of a mother-in-law in her son and daughter-in-law’s relationship may reflect a mother’s desire to help her son “spread his seed.” However, a mother-in-law to a daughter and son-in-law should try to facilitate the marriage of her daughter so that her son-in-law will remain committed over the long term.

  • In fact, mothers-in-law rate their relationships with their sons-in-law more favorably than their relationships with their daughters-in-law (see Fingerman et al., 2012).
  • Moreover, some interference by mothers-in-law may be intended to weaken their sons’ marriages (Rittenour and Koenig Kellas, 2015).
  • Direct for Resources and Historical evidence suggests that when there were multiple women within a family reproducing at the same time, their offspring were less likely to survive, perhaps due to a fixed amount of food being divided among more relatives (Pettay et al., 2016).

Mother-in-law conflict may have arisen due to increased competition for resources among women and their daughters-in-law. Today, this type of conflict is rare, but mothers-in-law may still perceive that they are competing with their daughters-in-law for the time and attention of their sons.

Some research suggests that older women are more likely to experience neglect due to poor relationships with their daughters-in-law (see Allendorf, 2015), and mothers-in-law may worry that they will be excluded by their child and his/her new partner (Fingerman et al., 2012). How to Reduce Conflict Researchers who study in-law conflict also suggest ways to overcome these difficulties.

Apostolou (2015b) advises that the best way to deal with these conflicts is to try to convince your in-laws that you are a good mate for their child by showing how much you care for your spouse. Additionally, if you are not yet married, more one-on-one contact with your future in-laws prior to your marriage may facilitate better relationships after the wedding (Fingerman et al., 2012).

However, if in-law conflict persists, you must put your marriage first: Individuals who feel supported by their spouses in their conflicts with their in-laws experience more satisfying marriages (Rittenour and Koenig Kellas, 2015). * All names have been changed. For more information on, see our book,, Please see my other posts,

References Allendorf, K. (2015). Like her own: Ideals and experiences of the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. Journal of Family Issues, 0192513X15590685. Apostolou, M. (2015a). Parent–offspring conflict over mating: Domains of agreement and disagreement.

Evolutionary Psychology, 13(3), 1474704915604561. Apostolou, M. (2015b). I am right for your child! Human Nature, 26(4), 378-391. Buss, D.M., & Schmitt, D.P. (1993). Sexual strategies theory: An evolutionary perspective on human mating. Psychological Review, 100(2), 204. Fingerman, K.L., Gilligan, M., VanderDrift, L., & Pitzer, L.

(2012). In-law relationships before and after marriage: Husbands, wives, and their mothers-in-law. Research in Human Development, 9(2), 106-125. doi:10.1080/15427609.2012.680843 Fugère, M.A., Cousins, A.J., & MacLaren, S.A. (2015). (Mis) matching in physical attractiveness and women’s resistance to mate guarding.

  • Personality and Individual Differences, 87, 190-195.
  • Gangestad, S.W., & Simpson, J.A. (2000).
  • The evolution of human mating: Trade-offs and strategic pluralism.
  • Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 23(04), 573-587.
  • Perilloux, C., Fleischman, D.S., & Buss, D.M. (2011).
  • Meet the parents: Parent-offspring convergence and divergence in mate preferences.

Personality and Individual Differences, 50(2), 253-258. Pettay, J.E., Lahdenperä, M., Rotkirch, A., & Lummaa, V. (2016). Costly reproductive competition between co-resident females in humans. Behavioral Ecology, arw088. Rittenour, C.E., & Kellas, J.K. (2015). Why Does My Mother In Law Hate Me : Why Getting Along with a Mother-in-Law Is So Difficult

What is the fear of your mother in law called?

FUN FACT FRIDAY | Pentheraphobia is a fear of a mother-in-law. The origin of the word penthera is Greek (meaning mother-in-law) and phobia is Greek (meaning fear). Pentheraphobia is considered to be a specific phobia.

What is the average age a woman first becomes a mother?

Communications and marketing executive Gabrielle Gambrell is one of many moms redefining the age to start a family U.S. Census Bureau figures show that, for the first time, the average age of women giving birth is now 30 As the pregnant population become slightly older, the way medical students are trained changes, according to Dr. Karen Duncan

– As a successful communications executive and adjunct professor, she’s making time for motherhood again with her second child, 4-week-old baby Gigi. “I had my son at 32 and I had Gigi at 35, and just being 35, it was made very clear I was a geriatric pregnancy.

I had double the amount of appointments,” Gambrell said. She represents many moms redefining the age to start a family. The latest U.S. Census Bureau figures show that, for the first time, the average age of women giving birth is now 30 in the U.S., the highest on record. It’s even higher in New York City, meaning more attention is being paid on the healthcare needs of older expectant moms.

That’s something that Gambrell experienced with her obstetrician during her second pregnancy. She expressed ongoing “concerns of preeclampsia just based on my age and race and size.” “I had a diabetes screening three times. I believe traditionally you only get a diabetes screening once,” Gambrell said.

  • As our patient population in New York or at NYU changes, as our pregnant population become slightly older, the way we change our medical students changes,” added Dr.
  • Aren Duncan, the OB-GYN residency program director at NYU Langone Health.
  • Duncan’s role includes priming medical students for future healthcare demands.

“A lot of research at NYU is conducted by our clinical faculty and residents and medical students, all part of the same team, and they’re performing the research that will change healthcare for the future,” Duncan said. “I think there’s a lot of interest in studying advanced maternal age and pregnancy since we’re taking care of those patients already.” That could benefit mothers like Gambrell, who may opt to conceive again and would rather avoid future, awkward interactions with physicians.

Why should your wife come before your mom?

5 reasons why it’s important to put your spouse before your parents Devotion to your spouse is vital to the success of any marriage. In the Bible the apostle Paul was teaching the people about marriage and the duties of husbands and wives when he said, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh., Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband (Ephesians 5:31-33).” In order for marriage to flourish both husband and wife need to leave their parents and start a new home together. From that moment they need to be number one in each other’s life. That doesn’t mean they don’t love and care about their parents. It simply means that the top priority has now changed from parents to spouse. Here are a few reasons why this is so important.1. It shows honor and respect for your spouse. When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. If a wife continually runs to her parents for counsel instead of first talking with her husband, it can create a feeling of distrust. The same with a husband. When you talk together as a couple about your problems and seek answers in a united way, it strengthens your marriage. Parents can be consulted, but it’s best done with both of you present, not going behind each other’s back. That doesn’t mean there won’t be times when one-on-one time with a parent is needed. It just means that running to a parent is not your first or usual response.2. It shows your spouse and your parents that your marriage is solid. If one or the other keeps running home to Mom or Dad, complaining about his or her spouse, it can be damaging to your marriage. A mother of a young married daughter told about how her daughter was continually telling them bad things about her husband—nothing big, just annoying things like he doesn’t pick up his clothes, he watches too much TV, or a myriad of other nit-picky traits. When this happens the parents can’t help but feel like you married a loser, even though there are wonderful things about him that you love. If they have a skewed view of your mate due to your continual barrage of negatives, they may not give you proper counsel, even may encourage you to leave him. Unless there’s abuse, that would be disastrous. When you put your spouse first, your parents and your spouse will recognize how important your marriage is to you.3. It creates a stronger intimacy with your spouse. When your focus is on your mate then each other’s needs can be met. There is a bond of devotion where deep sharing of thoughts and experiences kindle a love that can be experienced no other way. This kind of intimacy opens the door to a more romantic relationship. If you don’t feel like you’re number one, genuine intimacy is hard to achieve. Allowing your parents to have that number one spot can put a damper on your relationship. A woman told us about how her mother-in-law called her son every night at bedtime. She said, “Just when we finally have some alone time after the kids are in bed the phone rings, and it’s her. The other night we were snuggling on the couch enjoying each other when it rang. We knew who it was. My husband always feels obligated to take the call. It’s taking a toll on the intimate side of our marriage.” This couple solved the problem by the husband telling his mother this was not a good time to call. They then set a time that worked better for all concerned. Most parents want their kids to have a happy marriage and will respond to such requests. Taking this action helped his wife realize how important she was to him. Setting boundaries with parents in a kind and loving way is important. Keeping close to parents matters, and it can be done without jeopardizing your marriage.4. When things get tough you can count on each other. When you’ve kept each other at the top of the list, there will be no question about loyalty to and from your spouse. A couple told of a time the husband lost his business. He said, “My wife was by my side the whole time, cheering me on, right up to the bitter end when the business collapsed. I knew that even if my parents or others criticized me for taking this risk, she would stick up for me.” No one chooses to fail, but if it happens it is comforting to know your spouse is right there to buoy you up. That goes for other kinds of challenges, as well. When you have kept each other as a priority, you’ll be there for each other through the hard times. Your spouse is your greatest support system. Parental love and support is nice to have, but in the end it is your spouse who is by your side daily.5. When your parents reach the end of their lives, having your spouse by your side will be very comforting. Keeping the relationship strong with your mate can make all heartaches a little more bearable, particularly this one. If you have been respectful and loving to your parents, all the while keeping your mate as your priority, your memories will be sweeter and your marriage will be stronger. A caution In all of this, don’t push your parents away. Include them in ways that work for you and your spouse. A loving relationship with parents can be very helpful in keeping your family strong. You and your spouse can build that relationship while keeping each other as your main priority. See Gary and Joy Lundberg’s new on amazon.com. Gary and Joy Lundberg, FamilyShare Gary Lundberg is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Joy is a writer. Together they author books on relationships. See their new,99 e-book “Wake-Up Call: What Every Husband Needs to Know” on amazon.com. Their website is garyjoylundberg.com. : 5 reasons why it’s important to put your spouse before your parents

Who comes first my wife or kids?

Why Your Spouse Comes First – In a marriage with children, it may seem counterintuitive to not put the kids first, says psychologist Yvonne Thomas, “However, it’s actually healthier to make your spouse the first priority.” This is because it benefits all of your family members.

  1. If you have an emotionally solid marriage with a good foundation, your children will feel happier, more stable and more secure, Thomas says.
  2. Ids can literally see what it’s like to be in a loving relationship in which there is a true partnership, respect, and joy from being a couple,” she says.
  3. By experiencing this emotional stability between their parents, the kids can learn how to do this when they have their own romantic relationships, too.” When you place your spouse first and vice versa, you’ll both feel more loved and appreciated.

“This can make the kids feel more comfortable and happy too, since the quality of their parents’ relationship—and thus the quality of their home life—can be genuinely positive,” Thomas says. By prioritizing your relationship with your spouse, you’ll not only be modeling what type of relationship they should one day seek, but you’ll also raise children with a strong sense of self-worth, Peer says.

Why do I feel no connection to my family?

What to Do When Parents Don’t Meet Your Emotional Needs Source: Keegan Houser/Pexels The societal belief is that children and parents should accept each other for who they are “no matter what,” should each other “no matter what,” and should learn to get along “no matter what.” For some children, this is impossible because they find themselves mistreated, disrespected, and continually triggered.

The thinking is rooted in it not being “natural” for parents and children to be disengaged. It counters the standard belief that the parent-child relationship “should be” connected, committed, and based on enduring unconditional love. If you are searching through Hallmark cards, it is doubtful that any other parent-child relationship exists.

The Result of Lacking Emotional Support From Parents For children who don’t have the emotional support of parents readily and feasibly available to them, the thinking can be, “If my own parents, who are supposed to love me and be there for me more than anyone else in the world do not love me and aren’t there for me, then who will be?” It’s a double whammy when there’s a lack of emotional support from both parents.

  • Reasons for the detachment may be due to intergenerational and personal, an absence of, mental health issues, substance use and abuse issues, fragmented problem solving and conflict resolution skills, and a variety of other challenges.
  • When these instances occur, it can lead to off, distancing, and disengaged family relationships.

Children are often left with feelings of, feeling awkward or different, and not being intrinsically understood. These intensify during general holidays, Mother’s and Father’s Day, and special occasions. When the “average” American families are getting together to celebrate and connect, these individuals are worrying about how they will emotionally get through these events, and who, if anyone, they will choose to spend their time with.

  • Examples of Needs Not Being Met Currently during the pandemic, patients have reported that their feelings of isolation and loneliness are pervasive.
  • During this prolonged time, it is continually emphasized to them that they don’t have a “go-to” parent to receive emotional support from.
  • Others express sadness over friends and others who complain about being distanced from their parents and family because of socially distancing.

They express wishing that they had parents to long for. One woman recalled feeling activated when her father was marijuana in his bedroom and the smoke was seeping through the vents where her children were, She stated, “If it weren’t bad enough that I had to be put in the position of asking him to stop smoking, it triggered my memories and feelings related to when my father abused cocaine during my,

  • I once again found myself feeling lonely, confused, and unsafe.” A male client recalled showing his father a magazine article he authored and where his photo appeared.
  • He recollected, “I approached my father excited to share my accomplishments.
  • The first thing he said was, ‘That picture of you is awful, couldn’t they have published a better one?’ I couldn’t believe that was what was most important to him.

He didn’t even bother to ask what the subject of the article was and congratulate me for it. That’s what I typically get from him—criticism and disappointment in me.” I have other clients who are ignored for weeks and months at a time because of something they said or potentially did, and for some of them, an explanation is withheld and the ability to talk things through or reconcile is thwarted.

Formulating a Relationship With Emotionally Absent Parents Some individuals experience being disconnected from their parents in, and the relationship improved once they matured into adulthood, others were relatively connected during their childhood, and the relationship disintegrated as they matured, while others recall having difficulty in the relationship throughout their developmental stages.

As a result, some individuals decide to cut off their relationship with their parents. In some instances, communities and people outside of the family become a surrogate family for them. Others choose to maintain a relationship with strict boundaries in place.

Still others continually engage in the relationship and tend to find themselves in a recurrent pattern of hopefulness and disappointment because of neglecting to get their emotional needs met. What’s reported to me as being the most distressing is the perpetual thoughts of “not being good enough,” contemplating whether or not to engage and re-engage in the relationship, perseverating over whether others are judging them over the demise of the relationship, and constantly analyzing whether or not they are the one at fault for certain circumstances and in general regarding the state of the relationship.

One client expressed to me, “I’m basically a good person with a nice family and a stable, You would think I’m a convicted criminal, the way I’m treated by my parents. Even criminals are supported by their families.” Individuals talk to me about feeling as if they are banging their head against the wall because it is “crazy-making.” They desperately want to be approved of, therefore they re-engage and often come out of the experience being shamed, ridiculed, and the incident being distorted to fit the script and preconceived notions of their parents.

Many speak of feeling a sense of validation, normalization, and relief when they have someone to witness the event. A client expressed, “When I was younger, I was stuck between confusion and feeling like I was going crazy. I found myself frequently questioning whether it was me or them that was misconstruing things.

It was the two of them against me, and sometimes they pulled my siblings into it too. I found myself naturally assuming they must all be right and I’m wrong.” As a child, the thinking may have been, “If only I were good enough, smart enough, likable enough, loveable enough, then my parents would love and accept me.” In adulthood, it could be daunting to discover that there is nothing that they can say or do, whereby they can make the cut.

Contributing to the confusion is when a parent’s behavior toward their child is erratic and includes moments of connection, balanced out with moments of toxicity. A child is left wondering when the next shoe will drop and often feel that they must walk on eggshells to avoid eliciting a hurtful reaction or behavior by their parent(s).

There are tips regarding how to cope better when emotional needs weren’t met by parents. These tips can help compel emotionally neglected children to gain insight and self-awareness, heal, and advance toward a thriving and meaningful life.12 Tips on How to Heal, Cope, and Thrive

  1. Whenever possible, do your due diligence and test your assumptions and preconceived notions about your parents and other family members if they are involved too. Before choosing to cut off, give them opportunities to be supportive and provide you with the support you need. You may need to accomplish this with some assistance from a therapist, friend, or other family member.
  2. Recognize that experiencing loss and feeling bereft is part of the process for acceptance. You may periodically hold onto disappointment and sadness when you are triggered but the intense pain and struggle can decrease and dissipate.
  3. Guide family, friends, and loved ones regarding how you need to be directly supported, especially during challenging moments when you’re triggered (e.g., that they shouldn’t make light of your feelings, that they should ask how you’re coping during Mother’s and Father’s Day, that all you need is to be actively listened to, not be given advice, etc.).
  4. Expect that your feelings may ebb and flow during different events and developmental stages. Give yourself the compassion to allow yourself to be where you are without judgment. For example, even though you “should” keenly focus and feel immense for your immediate family during Thanksgiving, show yourself self-compassion by allowing yourself to feel sad and disappointed because you are mournful about your family of origin relationships.
  5. Recognize that you may experience (e.g., it feels as if you are an adolescent again) when you interact with your parents and family members. Realize that feelings do not just disappear with time. Even more so, if you continue to be treated similarly, it is more likely to evoke primitive thoughts and feelings. If your functioning is negatively impacted or it causes distress, make it a point to seek out help to process it all.
  6. Become an observer and notice distinct dynamics and patterns of behavior. When those dynamics and patterns arise, recognize, observe, and proactively learn more about them. In the end, make it a point to defuse from them, rather than getting sucked into them.
  7. Setting appropriate boundaries does not define you as being “selfish,” “mean,” and “non-caring.” Even if you are socialized to believe that this is something you shouldn’t be doing, the circumstance necessitates it, because you have the fundamental right to be respected, valued, and treated well.
  8. Because of the inherent need to be love and accepted, you may have placated others at your own expense. Seek to understand your needs and cultivate them from viable healthful relationships.
  9. Reality test your negative self-beliefs and the continual negative messages you may be receiving from your parents or other family members. For example, ask yourself, do other people see you the way they do?
  10. React and act from your core values (e.g., self-preservation, thoughtfulness, etc.). They will always lead you in the direction of the actions that you want to be taking.
  11. Be aware that you are likely to gravitate toward emotionally unavailable friends and partners, even if rationally, you want emotional connection and, Habitually, we move toward common patterns of behavior. We are drawn to what is familiar and comfortable even if it evokes negative emotions and doesn’t serve us well. Be cognizant and conscious of this “repetition compulsion” and even if it evokes discomfort, be sure to move toward what is best for you and what is in line with what it is that you truly want.
  12. Understand that you are not your family or your family dynamics. Create a new script and narrative for yourself that facilitates improved relationships now and into the future.

What’s incredibly rewarding for me is to witness when individuals evolve into a place of self-love and self-compassion. Instantaneously they recognize they are deserving of love and respect and their relationships follow suit. They seek out and secure healthier and more functional relationships which make them feel more satisfied and joyful.

I want to remind you that you are innately lovable and likable. Seek to define what being “good enough” means to you personally. Cultivate the kind of life you want to be living. Take but a moment, close your eyes, and consider this your new, You are enough. Enjoy a Hope and Renewal Guided led by me and consider to my other guided meditations.

Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. Why Does My Mother In Law Hate Me

: What to Do When Parents Don’t Meet Your Emotional Needs

How do you politely ignore your mother in law?

Download Article Download Article Having an overbearing or annoying mother-in-law can be damaging to your own peace of mind and may potentially cause a rift in your relationship. If you find talking to your mother-in-law or even just being around her difficult, ignoring her might seem like the only option to staying sane and happy.

  1. 1 Limit your interactions. While ignoring your mother-in-law completely should be a last resort, you can reduce the amount of time you spend with her. It’s absolutely acceptable for your spouse to attend some family events without you, and this may even make your mother-in-law happier. Don’t feel the need to attend every event that your mother-in-law will be at.
    • Don’t feel the need to lie or ask your spouse to lie on your behalf about why you can’t go to an event that your mother-in-law is at. Keep the explanation simple by saying something like “I wasn’t in the mood to go out.” Lying will only make the relationship between yourself and your mother-in-law more difficult.
    • Talk to your spouse about which events you are able to miss, as it might be important to them that you go to some. However, you can also explain that you don’t want to go to an event. A successful relationship is based on communication and compromise.
  2. 2 Disengage with your mother-in-law if you start getting annoyed. If spending time with your mother-in-law is making you angry or annoyed, try removing or distancing yourself from the conversation. Calmly excuse yourself, or ask someone nearby if they have any thoughts on the topic. This will allow you to remove yourself from the situation.
    • If you’re at a social event such as a large family gathering or wedding, this should be easy to do. If you’re in a smaller social situation, it may help to talk to your spouse beforehand — they might be able to give you some space to disengage if you need it.
    • You could excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, to go and refresh your drink, or simply to go talk to someone else.

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  3. 3 Detach yourself emotionally from her. If you can’t disengage from a conversation with your mother-in-law, try removing or limiting the emotional connection you have to her. Remind yourself that you don’t need to consider her as a part of your family if you don’t want her to be. Her thoughts and opinions don’t need to shape what you do if you disagree with her.
    • Think of your mother-in-law as an acquaintance, rather than as another mother, if your relationship isn’t warm and familial.
    • Don’t feel pressured into calling your mother-in-law “mom” or “mother” unless you’re comfortable with it. If she or your spouse complains, calmly explain that you don’t feel comfortable calling her “mom.” You don’t need to make up a reason or explain further.
  4. 4 Distance yourself physically from your mother-in-law. If you live nearby your mother-in-law, it may be easier for her to come by unannounced. While you don’t need to move cross country, moving slightly further away from your mother-in-law may help establish some boundaries that are easier to maintain.
    • Moving house is a big endeavor and not a decision that should be taken lightly. Talk to your spouse about some of the benefits and costs of moving house, rather than just moving to help you ignore your mother-in-law. It could be a point on the list, rather than the entire reason for moving.
  5. 5 Talk to your spouse about cutting your mother-in-law off completely. If you want to ignore your mother-in-law because she is emotionally manipulative or abusive, cutting her off temporarily or permanently might be the only option. Talk to your spouse about why you think she is a negative presence in your life, and discuss what the best option for your family will be.
    • This is a difficult conversation to have and one that should be handled very carefully. Approach the subject gently with your spouse — remember, your mother-in-law is their mother, meaning they will have a different relationship. Stay calm, discuss the situation, and explain why you think cutting your mother-in-law off is the right move.
    • You could say something like “I don’t feel like the relationship we have with your mother is healthy, and it’s causing me a lot of stress. Could we talk about reducing the time we spend with her or the access she has to us?”
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  1. 1 Express your feelings to your spouse. Talking to your spouse about your issues with your mother-in-law may make it easier for you to handle them. Mention specific things that you find difficult to deal with and ask for their help if they notice it happening in the future.
    • Try using statements about how you feel, rather than statements about things that your mother-in-law does. You don’t need to villainize your spouse’s mother, you only need to explain that you sometimes find her difficult.
    • For example, you could say “When your mother visits unannounced, I feel like my personal space is being invaded and it makes me anxious.”
    • Your spouse may get defensive or uncomfortable as you discuss issues you have with their mother. Avoid raising the tension if you notice this happening. Stay calm and explain your perspective kindly and with compassion. Give your partner space to process and remind them that you care about them.
  2. 2 Define boundaries between yourself and your mother-in-law. Rather than suddenly ignoring or avoiding your mother-in-law, setting some boundaries might allow you to build a healthier and safer relationship. Work out what it is about your mother-in-law that annoys you, and work out some reasonable boundaries for your relationship. Here are some examples:
    • If your mother-in-law gives her opinion on everything you do, you might want to set a boundary on the advice you want from her. You could ask that she doesn’t tell you how to discipline your kids or cook a certain meal unless you ask for her help.
    • If you ignore your mother-in-law because she comes over a lot unannounced, you could tell her that she needs to call before visiting your home so that you have time to prepare for her. You could also ask that she only visits a certain number of times each week or month.
    • If your mother-in-law is overly comfortable or open with you, such as by telling you about family drama or asking you to call her “mom.” you could tell her that you’d prefer to use her name, or avoid getting too engaged in gossip. Suggest some other conversation topics that would interest both of you and set the boundaries on your relationship.
  3. 3 Explain and establish your boundaries. Sit down with your mother-in-law somewhere she feels comfortable, and verbalize your boundaries. Outline what boundaries you want to set, how you plan to enforce them, and why you think this will improve your relationship or solve a problem. Speak with kindness and compassion.
    • If you don’t feel comfortable explaining the boundaries to your mother-in-law, talk about them with your spouse first. They may be more comfortable talking to their mother and setting up the boundaries. However, if your spouse is unsuccessful, you may need to talk to your mother-in-law yourself.
    • Instead of talking through the boundaries with your mother-in-law, you could write a letter or an e-mail outlining them instead. Remember to write kindly — you should be trying to repair and strengthen a relationship, rather than kick her out of your life.
    • Start with something like “I appreciate having you in my life and I want to make sure that our relationship is as healthy as possible.” Try to phrase the discussion as you and your mother-in-law solving a problem, rather than you fighting with her.
  4. 4 Enforce your boundaries consistently and compassionately. The boundaries you’ve established will only help if you make sure that they are enforced properly. Know the boundaries yourself and know when they are being crossed. Gently remind your mother-in-law that she is stepping over the boundaries you established any time they are broken.
    • If your mother-in-law doesn’t respond to gentle reminders, you may need to address her crossing your boundaries more directly. Tell your mother-in-law that she has broken the boundaries you set up, and remind her what she can do to resolve it.
    • For example, if your mother-in-law visits unannounced, you could say “It’s great to see you, but we agreed that you’d let us know before you came over. Now isn’t really a good time, but we could have you over for dinner on Sunday?”
    • Make sure that your spouse understands how to enforce the boundaries, and that they are committed to doing so with you. Express that these boundaries are important to make you feel comfortable and happy, as well as strengthening the relationship between you and your mother-in-law.
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  1. 1 Think about your mother-in-law compassionately and as a complex person. Almost nobody in the world is inherently evil, including your mother-in-law. Try to understand her experiences and why she might act in the way that she does. Remember that she is a complex person, and most likely wants you and your spouse to be happy — even if she goes about that in a difficult way.
    • Consider what your mother-in-law is used to or expecting as a parent to your spouse, as a grandmother to your children, or even as a mother-in-law to you. Working out what she wants and why she wants it can help navigate a difficult relationship and avoid needing to ignore her completely.
  2. 2 Center yourself and understand why you’re upset. If you find yourself getting annoyed with your mother-in-law and considering ignoring her, try to take a step back and ask what it is that irritates you. Understanding why you’re annoyed might help you process your emotions better and find an easier way to resolve them.
    • If you want to ignore your mother-in-law because she is too comfortable with you, it might help to consider how you connect with other people. While you don’t have to change who you are, you may be able to find a way to meet your mother-in-law in the middle by changing your relationship.
  3. 3 Limit your expectations of the relationship. Your mother-in-law doesn’t need to be someone you are incredibly close and familiar with, especially if you are very different people. Rather than trying to change your mother-in-law to create the relationship you want, try to change the expectations of your relationship to something that will accommodate both you and her.
    • Try establishing different types of relationships with your mother-in-law instead. Think of her as a friend, an acquaintance, or a coworker, rather than as a mother-in-law or second mother. This might help you limit your expectations and handle her better.
    • If your mother-in-law is harmful, emotionally manipulative, or abusive to you or your family, you should be very cautious in your expectations of the relationship. It might be unsafe for you to have a relationship with your mother-in-law at all. Remember that the safety of yourself and your family should always come first.
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Add New Question

  • Question We are financially-stable professionals, yet my mother-in-law weighs in on our finances and puts down our lifestyle decisions, like a recent cottage purchase. She does not do so with her other child. Advice? First talk to your spouse, who may be telling your mother-in-law financial information that should only be shared between the two of you. Tell your spouse you don’t want this happening, if it is. As for your M-I-L, when she tries to advise you, inform her that you appreciate her willingness to provide advice, but that you have both spoken with financial advisers who have confirmed you’ve made the right choices. You’re happy with your decision, and as such, it requires no more input, as the decision has been made. Then try to change the subject or leave the room to break the train of discussion for a time.
  • Question My mother-in-law keeps nagging me and creates unnecessary drama frequently. She can get upset about anything. So I don’t understand how to speak with her. I have lost my mental stability because of her. It is very hard to speak to someone who gets upset easily. This kind of person may have a personality disorder, high needs for attention and a love of drama, which can make communicating with them difficult. The answer for you lies in not taking their drama personally and in making non-emotional responses to their outrage and nagging, like “Oh really, that must be hard for you” or “That’s a hardship for you for sure!” or “Sure, that’s a good suggestion, I am already comfortable with how I do it but thanks for the idea.” Refuse to engage deeply with anything she screams about, let the nagging slide and have pity for her instead of feeling it’s personal. She is likely insecure, needy and lonely and uses the negative communication techniques of nagging and outrage to get attention because she’s never learned how to communicate assertively. Most of all, remember to never stoop to her level: keep your comments calm, neutral and objective, no matter how emotional she gets.

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  • Always speak with compassion when talking to your mother-in-law. It’s likely you both want the same things, even if you have different ways of achieving them.
  • Talk to your spouse about your issues and ask for their support.

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  • If your mother-in-law is abusive to you, your spouse, or your children, you should cut them off immediately and consider contacting the authorities.
  • Ignoring or cutting someone off completely without discussion can be very hurtful — especially if you’re ignoring a family member. It’s always better to work through your issues compassionately and slowly to avoid feelings getting hurt.

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